I recently had a conversation with a friend about what it means to honor your parents as an adult. My friend’s father had given her some advice and expected it to be followed to the letter. She cringed at going against her father’s wishes even though she and I thought that it would be in the best interest of her and her family to do so. This got me to thinking about what God meant when he said “Honor thy father and mother” in the Ten Commandments.
     Honor is defined as “esteem, respect, pay homage to or assign a value to.” The definition can also include “to give weight to” or “give appropriate seriousness to.” I read several different interpretations of what this definition means in relation to the fifth commandment. There are those who believe that to honor our parents means to obey them and that it would be disrespectful to go against them in any way. However, I think the majority of scholars think a little differently.
     Honor and obedience are always linked when we are talking about God because God is a perfect father. He will never ask us to do anything wrong or anything that is not the best thing for us. But, our earthly parents are not perfect. Even if they are telling us what they think is right, it may not be what is right for us. I think the Bible makes a clear distinction when it says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right and Honor your father and mother.” As adults, we are responsible for making decisions for ourselves.
     We are to always obey God over anyone or anything else. We must weigh anything that others, yes, that includes parents, ask us to do to see if it lines up with God’s word in the Bible and with what we know specifically God’s will to be for our lives. Once we are adults, we must also put what’s best for our spouse and children before the wishes of our parents. I think it goes without saying that this is not an excuse to neglect them or not meet their basic needs.

So, how do we honor our parents even if we can’t always obey them?

• Listen to them. Whether it is about your life or theirs, hear them out.
• Give them dignity. Let them make decisions and do for themselves all that they can.
• Speak to them respectfully. Don’t be harsh and short with them.
• If you must go against their wishes, explain to them that you appreciate them wanting to help but that you had to do what you felt was right.
• Call, visit and stay in contact as much as is healthy to do so. I know that some relationships are stronger if contact is limited.
• Make sure that they are cared for and have what they need.
• Pray for them and for guidance and wisdom in dealing with them.

     This is only a short list; I know there are many more ways to honor our parents. I also know that there are some of you who have lived through physical and mental abuse by your parents and think there is nothing honorable about them. I pray that you will find godly counsel to help you heal and forgive. I also pray that if you cannot honor your parents right now that you will honor the role of parenthood and can at least be grateful that your parents gave you life. Please know that I in no way take your situation lightly, but I believe there is healing in the Lord.

“Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.” (1 Peter 2:17) (MSG)